Not Anymore
by poetrylivemusic
Summary: A witch's most prized possession is her text. Bonnie Bennett is no longer in the land of the living. At her funeral service Damon Salvatore leaves Bonnie's grimoire at the alter to pay his respects. But how did he get it?
1. She's Gone

**AN: I don't own The Vampire Diaries in any way. Honey, if I did believe me things would be so different. I'd axe a couple of people real quick. *coughs* Elena *coughs* **  
**Anyway though, I want to thank my beta for helping me with this fic. You are absolutely amazing and I could not have done it without you. Guys, this thing is a story because of her so send her cookies or something. **

**This is dedicated to a friend of mine. Yinx1 on tumblr is one of the best Bonnie stans and she wanted to know how Damon got her "cookbook" so I wrote it. Took me long enough right, yeah I know. This one's for you boo!**

**Song: DLM- James Blake (just put it on repeat in the background, trust me on this)**

Click.

This punk kid and his nonsense.

Why the hell was I even answering my phone? Oh, I knew why, he'd said he knew where the hell Bonnie was!

I needed all the help I could get since she was being flighty with her whereabouts all damn summer. Jeremy on the other hand was always a constant pain in my ass, right here at home in Mystic Falls.

There was always something with him._He was already inherently annoying and now he was being vague!_ I thought. "Well guess what? Vague doesn't get shit done!"

_Do I have to do everything myself?_ I asked again.

What a rhetorical question- no one was there to answer.

I put my phone in the back pocket of my jeans and got into my car. He said he needed to talk to me and that I should come home -alone. Really?

_This BETTER be good_, I thought as I started the engine furiously.

The drive there was like any other time I was on my way home; blurs of small town bullshit with stupid little people who had no idea what really went on in Mystic Falls. So I drove fast. Who was there to stop me?

I pulled into the driveway and cut the engine. I could hear Jeremy's heart beating a little faster than normal, but I could also feel something else. _Weird._

Opening the front door, I was ready to protest telling Jeremy he was wasting my time, but as soon as I noticed he was standing in the middle of the living room with a look on his face I'd never seen before, I knew it was serious. He had my attention.

He started pacing. He started fumbling with his fingers. He started doing weird things with his face. And it was all starting to annoy me. _Get on with it, Gilbert!_

I really didn't have time for this. I needed to find Bonnie.

Which reminded me...

"Where is Bonnie?" "Have you talked to her? We need her here, she can fix this."

_She always does._

"Damon, I need to tell you something."

I felt that weird feeling again, but it mixed with my anticipation. Jeremy was standing close to the fireplace which was close enough to the couch but I moved closer to him just in case he fell because he looked a little green all of a sudden. Whatever this was, I had the common sense to know it wasn't good.

"It's about Bonnie."

As soon as he said it that weird feeling surrounded me again. It was like the last drop of a bourbon: neat, cold, but warming. I pushed it to the back of my mind. Maybe it was the heat, I should really look into getting that fixed.

Jeremy was wringing his hands again and he wouldn't look at me. _Okay, now I'm getting nervous. Spit it out!_

That feeling came again and this time it was like it was standing directly in front of me, almost like the sultry burn bourbon would give my body if I wasn't dead. _I'm calling the service guys on Monday._

He looked directly behind me for a second like all of his focus was on something else and I thought I should turn around,but he dropped his head again before I could. He was struggling with something and...were those..tears in his eyes?

"Damon," he choked out.

What the hell Gilbert? Why was he so emotional?

He was acting like..

It clicked.

I had known for a fact that Elena was fine, so the only other person he could be like this over was...

_No. it can't be..she can't be_

"Don't you say it, Jeremy. Don't you dare."

Jeremy tensed his body clamping down every muscle he had. I watched him as he opened his lips to speak and shut them three times before he unclenched his fists. I could tell he was trying to keep it together. He gave himself a second to recover before he actually said the words.

"She's dead."

He finally looked at me -like really stared at me- and I knew it was true, my gut knew it was true. I shook my head Bennett was dead?

"No! Why would you say that!"

He kept talking, but all I could think about was the last time I saw her. The entire time he was trying to rationalize how none of us noticed she was missing until now, I couldn't stop thinking about the last time.

I didn't even remember what I had said to her.

If I had known I would never see her again, I would have made a joke about her being a prude. I would have pointed out how uptight she was and how she really needed to relax sometimes. I would have called her by every conventional witch name I knew just to piss her off. Basically anything to really push her buttons and get under her skin. It was so easy. And it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks that I would never hear her come back at me with a snarky comment again. Damn.

I finally snapped back to the conversation Jeremy was basically having with himself and saw that he was barely keeping it together. He had known this secret for months and had to protect it. He did a good job. But right now he just looked like a teenager who had lost his way in life and everyone on the path there.

I crossed over to him so quick I was sure he thought I was going to hit him. I saw it, the shock on his face. I felt it, the tension in his muscles when I hugged him. But I also felt something else. That damn feeling again and this time it was breathing on me. I felt it make the hair on the arms wrapped around Jeremy's neck stand up, but I welcomed it this time. It wasn't a bad feeling and I already felt bad enough. So I closed my eyes and let it warm me up.

_She's gone._


	2. She's Here

**AN: Me again! Back with more depressing stuff. Does anyone miss Bonnie? I know I do! Anyway let me stop talking so you can read.**

**Song: Whisper- Dave Baxter (put it on repeat, in case you didn't last time because I doubt it.)**

**Don't fight it ok? The music will make this sooo much better. Hell it made me bawl my eyes out while I was writing this so it's good enough for you to read it to. Just don't read it out loud because I did that and I think I heard my soul rip in half. Ugh, I cry.**

I surveyed the damage that night after everyone had cried themselves to sleep: Elena on the couch hugged up to a blanket she said smelled like Bonnie, Vampire Barbie on the other sectional clutching an album filled with pictures of them together, Bus boy laid out on the floor in front of the fireplace mumbling about nicknames and Jeremy in his room whispering something to the air like he always does. They all looked broken, a bunch of kids who had been broken by their stay in Mystic Falls. The only person missing was...

Bonnie.

I grabbed my keys from the side table by the door and looked one last time at the living room. I needed to get out of here. Now. I didn't care where, I just couldn't stomach being so close to so much sadness. What I could stomach was being alone with my own.

My camaro had seen almost every part of the world, sometimes with just me and other times I had the privilege of having extremely beautiful company. _Good times._ We'd been through a lot together. This car was the closest thing I had to a parent-child relationship.

I'd never wanted kids and didn't think twice when I found out vampires couldn't have them. A reprieve I was grateful for. On the first part of the drive, when I found myself thinking about Bonnie, I wondered if she ever wanted children. _She would have been an amazing mom._

I kept driving going nowhere in particular, just liking the feeling of constantly moving. I had already drained the two bottles of bourbon I brought with me, so I didn't really need to drink anytime soon. This left me with time to let my mind wander. So I rolled my window down and listened to life passing by as I began to think of the one person who would never get to live it again.

_Bonnie._

I thought back to the first time I had met her. I remembered thinking she looked a whole hell of a lot like Emily when she was younger. Same toffee skin tone, same circular face shape, same sculpted jaw line, same curly dark hair and same exact height. I also noticed that same internal fire in her that Emily had, but I didn't know if Bonnie was aware of it. I would later come to the realization she had no idea.

"Dammit Bonnie," I sighed. "What...happened?"

I ran a hand over my face and kept one on the wheel while thoughts of everybody's favorite Bennett witch flooded my head. I suddenly remembered every moment we had together.

I remembered that she had a habit of picking at her nails when she was bored and paced when she was nervous. I found that out one afternoon at the boarding house when we were waiting for Abby to show up.

I remembered that she always gave you all of her attention when you talked regardless of her personal interest. This I unearthed the night I interrupted her make-out session with what's-his-face in Alaric's classroom. _Amateurs._ I knew she was pissed at me, I could feel it rolling off her in waves, but she listened anyway.

I smirked when I remembered that I had always known when she was about to give me an aneurism. Though I would never tell her this I figured out at a Lockwood party; she could never execute the spell necessary with her mouth closed._ Newbie_

I remembered the late nights in my library where she would fight sleep pouring over ancient books trying to help her friends escape death. These nights, when it was just the two of us, I had discovered that she could sing. She would flip through pages like her life depended on it and when she was comfortable with what she found she would hum. Looking back I guess it helped with her concentration because she never looked up from her research as she serenaded herself toward the answers she wanted. Her voice was nice from what I could hear but if I wasn't a vampire, I wouldn't know that._ She never gave me the satisfaction._

Mainly I remembered how she never appeared to me to be an eighteen year old girl because she had the soul of a woman three times her age.

I saw it that night at the 1960's dance when she had decided she would use herself as a defense strategy to save Team Mystic Falls. She was scared, I could tell by the way her heart was beating when I danced with her. _She was actually kind of good. I hadn't danced like that in years._ So when she'd told me she was going through with it even though I could feel how terrified she was, I knew Bonnie Bennett wasn't like anyone I had ever met. There will never be anyone like her again. So I came up with an exit plan I knew she would have to take. She didn't deserve to die that night and she didn't deserve it now.

A street light broke my train of thought as I looked at the speedometer. I was going 120 mph and didn't even notice. The darkness of the night was lifting slowly and the sky had turned from its usual coal to deep blue. I had been thinking too much. I looked over to the passenger seat.

"Fuck." I already drank them.

Clutching the steering wheel tighter, I continued driving. There were rows of trees, asphalt and the smell of cheap gasoline wafting through the air. I liked it this way. It was quiet, just quiet enough for the reality to set in and quiet just enough for me to try to get used to it.

By the time I pulled into the driveway, my body had been on autopilot for a while. It was attempting to desensitize itself to the news of losing yet another person I'd never get back. _Never thought I'd add her to that list._

I didn't notice the left turn on Grove street. I didn't notice the change the tires made as they crossed over cobblestone. I didn't even notice the pale blue of the sky lighting the way up the path. Never noticed the mailbox overflowing with envelopes. Never noticed the porch light was still on.

I did notice that this wasn't my house.


	3. She's There

**AN: Okay guys, there should be like a couple more parts to this. I was gonna post it as one long story but then I remembered the music and thought it would be hard to change it.**

**Again, the music is totally up to you. It's just what helped me get into the mood of it.**

**Song: Comptine d'un autre ete- Yann Tierse or just keep playing Whisper-Dave Baxter**

This was Bonnie's house.

I had never been here before, so I didn't know how I knew where she lived. In all the years I had known her I had never once given a second thought to Bonnie's home life. Parked in her driveway now, I couldn't escape this part of her. I sat back in my seat after I cut the engine and just stared at it.

"This is where the magic happened, huh, Bennett?"

I was talking to thin air, I knew I was, but I couldn't help myself. Her funeral was today. In just a few hours everyone was getting together to say goodbye to her and this was the first time I had seen the house where she lived. A part of me felt like I didn't need to know before now, but there was an even bigger part of me that wished I had already memorized her address.

I contemplated staying in my car. I really thought about driving away and forgetting I had ever been here, but the voice in my head told me I'd drive myself crazy if I didn't do this. I felt torn. Bonnie was nowhere to be found and I felt like I was violating her privacy just by sitting in her driveway. _I can't go in there._

A deep breath.

_Okay Damon, get your shit together._

When I finally got out my boots felt heavier, my jeans weighed me down and I was actually breathing. I paid attention to the way the stones sounded under my feet as I walked. I counted the seconds it took for me to reach the porch. Forty-eight seconds later I forced myself up three concrete steps and came face to face with a porch light on its last leg.I unscrewed it and put the bulb on top of the fixture. The red and gold curtains hanging on the opposite side of the door looked familiar even though I had never seen them before. This whole place felt familiar in a way I couldn't explain. That weird feeling I had earlier was creeping its way back into my consciousness.

I raised my hand to knock. I stopped short.

I whispered. "Shit"

Closing my eyes and holding my breath, I turned the knob on the door. As it swung open I didn't know what I was expecting. Maybe for her to come around a corner saying "What the hell Damon!" and give me an aneurism. For the most part I was just relieved I was still in one piece. But when nothing happened after a few beats, I felt my chest tighten. _She's really gone._

At that moment I started to wish I could hear her voice. Hear her yell, no, more like scream, at me to go away. I wished I could hear the agitation and determination in her voice just one more time.

_I'm going to miss that._

Standing outside the door I thought about the way she always knocked when she came to the boarding house even though she knew the door was never locked. It pissed me off to no end because that meant that I had to leave what I was doing to answer it every time. _A complete inconvenience if you ask me._

Now I understood why she did it. She was showing everyone who lived there a human courtesy letting them decide if they wanted her company or not. She never forced her way in or demanded for the door to be opened. She was patient.

_I'm going to miss that too._

"Judgey" I smirked when I said it.

She would have hated it.

There was an increasing warmth coming from inside the house and it was pulling on that weird feeling I'd felt all day. I was being drawn inside. My feet were itching to move, to be closer to that creepy sensation. I didn't want to move as I stepped over the threshold. My legs and arms tensed waiting for the inevitable and released again a second later. I remembered.

I didn't have to be invited in anymore.

I hung my head at the last shred of evidence that Bonnie Bennett was dead. I closed the door behind me and that was when I noticed it. My skin felt warmer than it ever had before and I was starting to turn a rosy color on the cheeks.

"What the hell?"

It was like I was being wrapped in an electric blanket from the tip of my hairline all the way down to my extremely expensive -yet- very tasteful, badass boots. It was just an intense comfort, a genuine one. One I hadn't felt since my mother was alive. It was like she was there in the room with me like she was those nights I went to bed with lashes on my body from my father's beatings. She would hold me in her arms until I felt loved again. That was what it felt like and at that moment I wished that she was here. I knew she wasn't.

_Which could only mean_...

"Witchy?"

I looked around.

Silence.

This had to be her. Right? I was in her house. But no sooner than the feeling intensified, it fizzled out. Not completely to the point of disappearing, but I also didn't feel like I needed to chug a gallon of something cold anymore either. I was still warm though which made me feel better than I had in the last 18 hours. I was there so I decided to investigate.

_Casa de Bennett here I come._

* * *

To my right there was a living room. It had the makings of a normal living room with a cream colored couch outfitted with red accent pillows that looked like they didn't get much use, a black coffee table with assorted magazines on it and a matching side table for a lamp, a bookcase lined the furthest wall filled to the brim with titles.

The wicker chair adjacent to the side table had a blue cushion that didn't match anything in the room. Come to think of it, it was hideous. I could do much better. It did have an outline of a body shape though. I got closer and could tell that it was too big to be Bonnie's, so it was probably her dad's.

_Guess somebody did like that chair after all._

I left without touching anything and was instantly met with a study directly across from the living room. The closed sliding doors had frosted glass, but I could smell Rudy all over that place.

_Maybe I shouldn't go in there._

Walking the length of the hallway, I had yet to turn a light on. The beams from the morning sunrise were starting to come through the windows and Bonnie's house sure had a lot of them. A minimum of three in each room I noticed. I passed a circuit panel right outside the coat closet and was curious to say the least. I found out that this house had four bedrooms, a basement, and two bathrooms.

I made a face. "Nice"

I sniffed the air then made another. I was smelling something and it wasn't Rudy this time. I kept walking past the coat closet and turned into the kitchen.

_Wow._

The layout had the most brilliant combination of solid granite detailing and wood cabinets I had ever seen. Normally those two textures don't go together, but I must say the Bennett's were doing it right. I spotted a opened bag of peanuts and a partially opened bottle of Coors. They sat laid out haphazardly on an island that took up the entire center of the kitchen and there were six stools surrounding it. The double ovens stacked atop each other were on the left wall next to the pantry, but the door was closed.

I opened it and realized I could keep walking because inside it looked like a kitchenette. Shelves covered both walls and there was a countertop at mid waist with a toaster, blender, a microwave and countless half-full dry good containers on it. I perused the shelves and then I left the door ajar and continued on. When I passed by the refrigerator I almost didn't recognize it. It looked like one of the cabinets and there was a letter stuck to it by a "B" magnet. It was from Bonnie to her dad.

**_Dear Dad,_**

**_I know you told me to call you as soon as I got here and I'm sorry I didn't. I've just been really busy with trying to get to know Mom better. We've been spending a lot of time together lately and I just want to enjoy it. I will call as soon as I can. I know you have trouble texting on your phone and I want to hear your voice. I miss you. I hope everything is okay at home, don't work the summer away. I know you're not eating too much salt and binging on beer, are you? Probably, so enjoy it while you can because when I come back, I'm putting you on a diet. Anyway Mom and I are going away for a couple days and I won't be able to email you. I'm having fun, so don't worry. And before you ask, I don't know where, something about literal soul searching, but I promise I will call you as soon as I get cell reception. Record Top Chef for me! I love you, I'll be home soon._**

**_Love,_**

**_ Your Bonnie Bee_**

I read it and had to stifle a laugh. "Phsh." I knew Bonnie and she knew she was never coming back. The wording was a little off, so someone else had written the letter obviously. It had to be Jeremy. He knew the entire summer, he was the only one who could have done it. Still it was nice she wrote to her dad; from what I could see they were on good terms.

_My dad was a dick._

There was a cookbook wide open next to the stove, a wooden spoon in the middle to help keep it that way. Caramalized Onion and Goat Cheese Fritatta was the recipe and the book smelled of her.

She liked to cook. I didn't know that.

"Who knew you had a palette, Witchy?" I said shaking my head on my way out. I was talking to air again. I knew as my bones began to heat up slightly, but I ignored it. Walking back down the hall towards the front door, I checked the circuit panel again. _Nope._ They didn't have a furnace, so why was I feeling so warm? _Weird._

I crept past the study and took the stairs one at a time. There were pictures lining the railing on the walls at an angle. I could see every one of her life stages on that wall. When her parents brought her home from the hospital in a purple blanket, when she started potty training and when her dad took the training wheels off of her tricycle. There was one from every school year including ones where she had no front teeth. Even one where she had braces and acne so bad I could barely tell it was her. Thank God for puberty. There were pictures of her with Sheila littered throughout. It kept up this way until I reached the top of the stairs where I noticed a picture had been removed. The outline of dust and time still visible on the paint underneath. I wondered who was in that picture.

Bonnie's scent was so strong all I had to do was follow it past a couple doors on the right and two armchairs in the hallway. I would have run into them if it hadn't been for the bay window at the top of the stairs.

_Who the hell puts chairs in the hallway?_

The sky had turned a shade of pink and the softest orange, it made the house look alive. But I knew for a fact it could never be alive again.

My boots made the boards under my feet creak a little as I stopped outside the last door. There was a mat on the floor that let me know this was her room. It said _'create'._

I could smell lavender and cinnamon like it was poured on top of me.

_Yep, this was her room._

I went to push the door open, but there was a slight breeze -it was cold yet warm and reminded me of bourbon- and it slowly parted enough for me to walk right through.


End file.
